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Dreaming about your ex: what research says
Dreaming about an ex is common and does not on its own mean you want them back. In a diary study of 1,612 dreams from 425 students, about one in six people reported at least one dream with a former partner3, and such dreams keep appearing years after a separation2. Research links them to how close the relationship was and to how much the ex still occupies your waking thoughts1,4.
How often do former partners appear in dreams?
The German dream researcher Michael Schredl has studied this from several angles, and the numbers line up. In a diary study, 425 students reported 1,612 dreams between them. A current partner appeared in 16.94 percent of the dreams and an ex-partner in 4.78 percent; 39.06 percent of the students had at least one partner dream and 15.76 percent at least one ex-partner dream3. In an online survey of 1,695 adults with an average age of about 54, people estimated that around 8 percent of their dreams included an ex, against around 21 percent for the partner, and ex-partner dreams remained quite frequent even years after the break-up2,3.
| Study | Material | Ex-partner dreams |
|---|---|---|
| Schredl 2018{1} | One man's series of 10,952 dreams | 3.37% of dreams in a year when he was single, long after the break-ups |
| Schredl et al. 2020{2} | Online survey, 1,695 adults | Estimated at about 8% of dreams (partner: about 21%)3 |
| Schredl & Wood 2021{3} | 1,612 dream reports from 425 students | 4.78% of dreams; 15.76% of people had at least one |
Why do I still dream about my ex years later?
The clearest clue comes from one long record. Schredl analysed a series of 10,952 dreams kept by one man across several relationships. While each relationship lasted, the partner appeared in between 6 and 23 percent of his dreams. In 2013, when he was single and the relationships were long over, 3.37 percent of his dreams still included a former partner. The strongest predictor of how often a particular ex came back was how often she had appeared while they were together, which Schredl reads as a sign of how close the relationship had been1. A single dreamer cannot speak for everyone, but the pattern fits the survey data: ex-partner dreams thin out after a break-up without disappearing, and the people who mattered most stay longest1,2.
This is what the continuity hypothesis would predict. Dreams draw on waking life, and comparisons of dream diaries with records of daily activity show that what people spend time with is reflected in what they dream, at rates that vary from one kind of experience to another6. Years of shared life leave a large store of memories with one person in them, and the dreaming mind draws on that store for scenes that may have nothing to do with the relationship itself. More on how this works is in why we dream.
What happens in dreams about an ex?
Ex-partner dreams are not simply sad versions of partner dreams. In the student diary study, dreamed interactions with an ex were more often negatively toned than those with a current partner, yet they also contained more friendliness, more positive and more erotic interactions. The ex was more often seen without being spoken to, and being separated was more often mentioned explicitly. The authors suggest that dreams of a current partner tend to be more mundane3. In the adult survey, ex-partner dreams were less positive than partner dreams but still mixed in tone2.
How you relate to people in waking life also shapes how they behave in your dreams. In a study of 61 students in relationships of six months or more, those who felt more secure with their partner had partner dreams that more closely followed a secure script, in which someone in difficulty seeks help and receives it5. That study looked at current partners, not exes, but it suggests that the dream version of a person carries the feelings attached to them. If the dream is about your partner betraying you, the page on dreams of being cheated on covers it.
What divorce studies show
Rosalind Cartwright spent decades studying the dreams of people going through divorce. In one study she and her colleagues followed 30 people, 20 of them depressed, over five months of divorce, waking them in every REM period on several nights. The more a person was preoccupied with the former spouse while awake, the more often the ex appeared as a character in their dreams. Those whose depression had lifted by follow-up had more well-developed dreams, and their dreams of the former spouse carried emotion and links to other memories; the dreams of those who stayed depressed lacked both4. The study is small and correlational, so it cannot show that dreaming caused the recovery. It does show that dreams about an ex follow what you are still working through.
What can you do with a dream about your ex?
Write it down with the date and a line on what was happening that day: a message, a song, a new relationship, an anniversary, a hard week with no obvious link at all. Over a few months a dream journal shows whether the ex comes back on particular kinds of days, and whether the tone of the dreams is shifting. In theDreamly's terms, the Jungian reading asks what that person stood for in you, and the cognitive reading asks what you are telling yourself about the break-up now. If the same scene keeps returning, the guide to recurring dreams explains why some dreams repeat.
Dream books often say that dreaming of an ex means a reunion is coming or that someone is thinking of you. Those are readings many people hear, but nothing in the research supports dreams as messages about another person or the future. How much can reasonably be read into a dream is the subject of the page on dream interpretation.
Dreams after a break-up are often painful, and that alone is not a cause for concern. Talk to a doctor or therapist if low mood, sleeplessness or loss of interest lasts for weeks after a separation, if the dreams replay abuse or a frightening relationship, or if you dread going to sleep. Cartwright's work was with people whose divorce had tipped into depression4, which is treatable.
Common questions
What does it mean when you dream about your ex?
Research gives no fixed meaning. Dreams about a former partner are common and tend to follow how close the relationship was and how much the ex still occupies your waking thoughts1,4. They do not show that you want the person back or that they are thinking of you. What the dream felt like, and what happened the day before, are better places to start.
Is it normal to dream about an ex years after breaking up?
Yes. In an online survey of 1,695 adults, dreams of former partners were quite frequent even years after separation2. In one man's diary of 10,952 dreams, a former partner still appeared in 3.37 percent of dreams in a year when he was single, long after the relationships had ended1.
Does dreaming about your ex mean you still love them?
Not necessarily. Dreams draw on memories, and years of shared life leave many memories with one person in them. In a diary study of 425 students, dreams with an ex were more often negative than dreams with a current partner, yet also contained more friendliness and erotic content3. The dream reflects a mixture of feelings, not a verdict.
Why do I dream about my ex when I am in a new relationship?
Former partners keep appearing in dreams long after a break-up, whatever your current situation, at a lower rate than current partners2,3. A new relationship can also bring the old one to mind while you are awake, and what occupies waking thought tends to turn up in dreams4. It is not evidence that the new relationship is wrong.
How do I stop dreaming about my ex?
There is no reliable way to switch a person off in dreams. Studies suggest such dreams become less frequent with time and follow how much the ex occupies your waking mind1,4. Writing the dreams down helps you notice what sets them off. If they come with weeks of low mood or poor sleep, talk to a doctor or therapist.
theDreamly keeps each dream with its date, so you can see whether a former partner comes back after particular days and whether the dreams are changing as you move on.
Download on the App StoreRead next
- Dreams about being cheated on: what research shows
- Recurring dreams: what psychology says
- What a dream journal is and how to keep one
- Dream interpretation: what psychology actually knows
Sources
- Schredl M (2018). Reminiscences of love: former romantic partners in dreams. International Journal of Dream Research, 11(1), 69-73. doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2018.1.43842
- Schredl M, Cadiñanos Echevarria N, Saint Macary L, Weiss AF (2020). Partners and ex-partners in dreams: an online survey. International Journal of Dream Research, 13(2), 274-280. doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2020.2.75338
- Schredl M, Wood LC (2021). Partners and ex-partners in dreams: a diary study. Clocks & Sleep, 3(2), 289-297. doi.org/10.3390/clockssleep3020018
- Cartwright R, Agargun MY, Kirkby J, Friedman JK (2006). Relation of dreams to waking concerns. Psychiatry Research, 141(3), 261-270. doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2005.05.013
- Selterman D, Apetroaia A, Waters E (2012). Script-like attachment representations in dreams containing current romantic partners. Attachment & Human Development, 14(5), 501-515. doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2012.706395
- Schredl M, Hofmann F (2003). Continuity between waking activities and dream activities. Consciousness and Cognition, 12(2), 298-308. doi.org/10.1016/S1053-8100(02)00072-7