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Dreams about being cheated on: what research shows
A dream that your partner is cheating on you is not evidence that they are. Dreams draw on what occupies us while awake6, so infidelity dreams tend to go with jealousy, insecurity or a past betrayal rather than with anything your partner has done. One diary study found that dreams of infidelity and jealousy were followed by less closeness and more conflict with the partner the next day1.
Does dreaming of being cheated on mean it is happening?
No study has shown that a dream can detect real infidelity, and there is no plausible way for it to do so: the dream is built from what you already know, fear and remember. Some dream books read the dream as a warning, others as its opposite, a sign of a loyal partner. Both are traditions people commonly hear, not findings. Psychology starts from the dreamer instead. Dream content tends to follow waking concerns, a link known as the continuity hypothesis, although how strongly an experience shows up depends on its kind and on how emotionally involved we are6. A relationship, and the fear of losing it, is about as emotionally involving as waking life gets.
Why do people dream that their partner is cheating?
The clearest data come from a study of 98 female undergraduates by Jessica Clarke, Teresa DeCicco and Geoff Navara. Women who had at some point had a partner cheat on them showed more cognitive, emotional and behavioural jealousy, and more dream infidelity. Women high in romantic jealousy also reported more dreams involving infidelity, and dream infidelity went together with lower intimacy in the waking relationship2. A later paper summarised it simply: infidelity dreams were associated with having had an unfaithful partner and with higher daytime romantic jealousy3. In other words, the dream seems to track the dreamer's history and feelings. A betrayal in a past relationship can echo in dreams about a present one where nothing of the kind has happened.
How secure you feel with a partner also shapes how they appear. In a study of 61 students in relationships of six months or longer, those whose attachment to their partner was more secure had partner dreams that more often followed a secure base pattern, in which one person is in need and the other comes through5. Dreams of the partner are frequent in general: in 1,612 dream reports from 425 students, current partners appeared more often than ex-partners, and partner dreams were often fairly mundane4. The page on dreams about an ex covers the other side of that study.
| Study | Who took part | Main finding |
|---|---|---|
| Clarke et al. 2010{2} | 98 female undergraduates | Infidelity dreams went with past betrayal and high jealousy |
| Selterman et al. 2012{5} | 61 students in relationships | More secure attachment, more partner dreams with a secure base script |
| Selterman et al. 2014{1} | 61 students, 2-week diary | Infidelity and jealousy dreams followed by less intimacy, more conflict |
| Schredl and Wood 2021{4} | 425 students, 1,612 dreams | Partners appear more than exes; ex dreams more often negative |
| Vaillancourt-Morel et al. 2021{3} | 1,045 adults in relationships | Erotic dream targets track relationship length, satisfaction and affairs |
Why do I feel angry at my partner after the dream?
Because the feeling carries over, and research has measured it. Dylan Selterman and colleagues had 61 students in committed relationships keep a dream diary and a log of their interactions with their partner for two weeks1. Dreams with infidelity content and dreams with jealousy were followed by less intimate feelings and more conflict with the partner on the following days. The links ran in one direction, from dream to next day and not the reverse, and held after controlling for attachment style, overall relationship health and the previous day's events1. The authors compared it to priming: an emotion that stays active after waking colours how you read the person at breakfast. They were careful to say this does not prove the dream causes the change. Knowing that the effect exists is useful in itself, because it lets you notice the leftover feeling and set it aside.
What if I dream about cheating myself?
Dreams of your own infidelity are common too, and they are not a confession. A study of 1,045 adults in relationships found that over 95 percent had had erotic dreams. Women were more likely than men to dream of their current partner, and men more likely to dream of someone else, especially an acquaintance. People in longer and more satisfied relationships dreamed more of their partner, while those who had actually had sex outside the relationship dreamed less of their partner and more of an ex or an acquaintance3. The figures describe groups; a single dream about someone else says very little about you.
What can you do with the dream?
Write it down before you talk to your partner, with how you felt when you woke. Seeing it on paper makes it easier to separate the dream from the person lying next to you. A dream journal kept over a few weeks often shows whether infidelity dreams cluster after particular days, such as an argument, a trip apart or contact with an ex. If the same scene keeps returning, the guide on recurring dreams explains what is known about why. Some couples find it helps to share the dream as a dream, with the feeling attached, rather than as a question about what the partner has been doing. The pillar on dream interpretation shows how the main approaches would work with it.
When is it worth talking to someone?
A single infidelity dream needs nothing more than a moment's thought. It is worth seeing a counsellor or therapist, alone or as a couple, if the dreams are frequent and distressing, if they keep replaying a real betrayal, or if jealousy has started to drive checking, accusations or arguments. If you feel afraid of your partner, or they control or threaten you, that matters far more than any dream; contact a doctor, a counsellor or a domestic abuse helpline.
Common questions
Does dreaming that my partner cheated mean they are cheating?
No. There is no evidence that dreams can detect real infidelity. The dream is built from your own memories, fears and feelings. Studies link infidelity dreams to the dreamer's jealousy and to having been cheated on in the past, not to the partner's current behaviour. If you have real reasons for concern, they come from waking life, not from the dream.
Why do I keep dreaming my boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating?
Repeated infidelity dreams often go with insecurity or jealousy in the relationship, a past betrayal, or a stressful stretch such as time apart. In a study of 98 women, those who had been cheated on before and those high in romantic jealousy reported more infidelity dreams. Writing the dreams down with the date can show what tends to come before them.
Can an infidelity dream affect my relationship?
It can colour the next day. In a two-week diary study of 61 students, dreams with infidelity or jealousy were followed by less closeness and more conflict with the partner on the following days. The researchers did not prove the dream caused this, but noticing the leftover feeling lets you keep it separate from how your partner actually behaves.
What does it mean if I dream that I cheat on my partner?
Usually not much on its own. In a study of 1,045 adults in relationships, over 95 percent had had erotic dreams, and many involved someone other than their partner, especially among men. Such dreams were more common among people in shorter or less satisfying relationships, but a single dream says little about your feelings or intentions.
Should I tell my partner about the dream?
That depends on the two of you. Some couples find that sharing a dream, framed clearly as a dream and with the feeling it left, brings them closer. Telling it as an accusation tends to do the opposite. If the dream keeps returning and stirs up strong jealousy, talking it through with a counsellor first may help.
theDreamly keeps the dreams you speak or type and shows the people and feelings that return across them, which can help you see when infidelity dreams show up. It gives you a way to reflect and passes no verdict on your partner.
Download on the App StoreRead next
- Dreaming about your ex: what research says
- Recurring dreams: what psychology says
- What a dream journal is and how to keep one
- Dream interpretation: what psychology actually knows
Sources
- Selterman DF, Apetroaia AI, Riela S, Aron A (2014). Dreaming of you: behavior and emotion in dreams of significant others predict subsequent relational behavior. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(1), 111-118. doi.org/10.1177/1948550613486678
- Clarke J, DeCicco TL, Navara G (2010). An investigation among dreams with sexual imagery, romantic jealousy and relationship satisfaction. International Journal of Dream Research, 3(1), 54-59. doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2010.1.472
- Vaillancourt-Morel MP, Daspe MÈ, Lussier Y, Zadra A (2021). Targets of erotic dreams and their associations with waking couple and sexual life. Dreaming, 31(1), 44-56. doi.org/10.1037/drm0000160
- Schredl M, Wood LC (2021). Partners and ex-partners in dreams: a diary study. Clocks & Sleep, 3(2), 289-297. doi.org/10.3390/clockssleep3020018
- Selterman D, Apetroaia A, Waters E (2012). Script-like attachment representations in dreams containing current romantic partners. Attachment & Human Development, 14(5), 501-515. doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2012.706395
- Schredl M, Hofmann F (2003). Continuity between waking activities and dream activities. Consciousness and Cognition, 12(2), 298-308. doi.org/10.1016/S1053-8100(02)00072-7